Welcome to the boy fort. Practicing safe-spaces for vulnerability and better connections with the men in our lives. No girls allowed. yet.
I’m fifty-two years old. I feel like I’m about twenty-five, until I look in the mirror, and see the wrinkles. Men somehow automatically become cooler, and more distinguished as we age. Layers of deepening wisdom always on the uptick. If only that were true. Having been married three times, and dated a lot, I still haven’t figured out relationships, but I do have some ideas about what might help: better language for fostering easier, safer connections.
Problem: women are mysterious, and scary.
Practice mat: build better connections with the men in our lives.
Test lab: play with new skills in the wild. (that means with girls, eventually)
The goal of writing this is to share some of the process. The current format is built around creating a safe space for expression inside the masculine. I do have plans to offer something inclusive in the future, and right now, I don’t know what that will be.
Here’s where I went:
In May of 2015, my friend Z and I connected on the premise that skating together once a week would be fun for us. by skating, I mean rollerblading, and skateboarding. Later, we added some more friends to the mix. Occasionally, others joined us. This felt useful, fraternal, and created a regular, predictable pattern of warmth, and friendship.
That same summer, I read the book “No More Mister Nice Guy” by Robert Glover. Z had read it months before, and we discussed it’s potential and importance. The book covers a few topics, but mostly the beta-ization of modern men, in the face of modern, empowered women, and some strategies for recovery for men feeling trapped in the “Nice Guy Syndrome”.
It also stresses the importance of men creating better connections with other men, and the creating of “safe time” and “safe space”, for this to occur. We felt we were doing this work with our initial group, our outings, and the connection being made with regularity.
My initial framework for selecting men to join the group was two-fold:
1. Will the individual benefit from the group? Is the experience useful to the individual?
2. Does the group benefit from the individual? Is the experience of the individual useful to the group?
If both of these qualifiers are met, and acknowledged, the result is: mutual upgrade to the experience of all. Friendship, rapport, connection. I’ve felt tremendous responsibility, accountability, and shame around my selections.
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